Coffee Club Newsletter
Volume 8 No. 1 February 20, 1998

The Timid Reporter is now playing very hard-to-get. We had to get Tom to write out an IOU for $200.00 - yes, the price went up - in order to get him out in the field again. As if you don't already know, the subject today is Christina.

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TR: Good morning. May I come in?
CO: Let me put my two dogs in the yard first.
TR: I thought those were horses.
CO: No, they're just kind of big for their age.
TR: I'll wait here, then.
CO: You know what? It'll take me fifteen minutes to settle them down. Why don't we just talk here in the front porch? They can stay in the living room.
TR:. What about the neighbors?
CO: They'll think you're the new dog trainer. I get a different one every week.
TR:. OK, if that's fine with you.
CO: You know I could have gone to your office for this.
TR:. I don't have one.
CO: Aren't you a real reporter?
TR: Sort of. I mostly do interviews for the Coffee Club. I really shouldn't be doing this any more. They owe me two thousand dollars. The man who runs it is very tight-fisted.
CO: I guess that's OK. I'll answer your corny questions with corny answers.
TR: You're the sharpest subject I ever had. I can tell by your droll sense of humor.
CO: You know I was number fourteen in my class back at Indiana U.
TR:. Where's that?
CO: The University of Southern Illinois at Dumbarton Oaks in Indiana.
TR: ...never heard of it.
CO: It's better than the place you went to.
TR: I studied advanced photography. Then I was going to major in Law. I had trouble understanding why we had to have laws to begin with so I gave that up rather quickly. Then I moved to Chemistry, then Biology, then Botany, then Agriculture. I finally ended up back at photography. I have done many weddings.
CO: You poor soul. Do you feel frustrated?
TR: Not at all. I look at the big picture.
CO: That's a play on words, right?
TR: I don't play with words. I take words seriously because they are my life.
CO: I should have listened to Kimberly. I hope you don't mind my saying this but she said you were a little obtuse, but only because you actually didn't have a clue.
TR: I am a straight forward kind of person. This is all there is of me.
CO: Are you going to actually ask me things or can we stop right here?
TR: Well, you know, I can't seem to find my list of questions.
CO: Oh, brother.
TR: They have to be here in one of my briefcases.
CO: Why don't you let me do an interview of you, instead?
TR: I am very timid.
CO: We can work around that. When I lived in Wyoming, we used to play this pretend game. We would tame wild horses by pretending to be lion tamers. You must lose your fear.
TR: I am embarrassed easily.
CO: Your problem is only as deep as your fear.
TR: Others have tried. A few of your office friends included.
CO: Listen up. I'm not talking about going deep into the jungle in Vietnam here. It's only an interview.
TR: Yes, but I'm afraid to open up.
CO: You have a deep psychological wound somewhere in there.
TR: I am happy the way I am.
CO: OK. So be it. Let me go water the dogs.
TR: Can I have a beer?
CO: Only if you let me do the interview.
TR: I am agonizing over this.
CO: Needlessly, my friend. Sit down here next to me. Let me tell you something. We can call this a reality check if you want.
TR: I like the way you talk to me.
CO: You'd better not be pretending any of this. My cousin Brenda developed an irrational fear of Southern accents, but she was cured by her fourteenth psychologist. Every time she visited his office, she would have to drink five mint juleps before going in for the consultation. There is hope for you. I'll bring you a suitcase.
TR: No, no. I travel light.
CO: I mean a suitcase of beer.
TR: Oh. OK.
CO: Don't talk to strangers while I'm gone.
TR: I don't know any strangers.
CO: Help me with this. Never mind. You're not only timid, you're puny, also.
TR: Sorry.
CO: You should have joined the Army a long time ago. You'd be a lot better off today.
TR: I'm non-violent.
CO: You're not non-violent. You're naive. You must always remember this: You might be non-violent, but the people you have to deal with might not be. That's why governments invented armies.
TR: This is good beer.
CO: It's from the PX.
TR: I don't know that brand.
CO: Never mind. Let me tell you what I was going to say before I went for the beer. You might think you're timid, but, in actuality, you think too much of yourself. You think you have a corner on frailty, but, in actuality, you're an arrogant little man. Your reality is so small it fits inside a walnut.
TR: I don't understand.
CO: Don't interrupt me, please.
TR: Sorry.
CO: While we're sitting here, thousands of people all around the world are dying of one thing or another. No one knows who they are. No one knows who you are, either. To break out of your timidity, you must think less of yourself, not more. Here, have another beer. No one cares who or what you are. Don't ever think that you'll stand out in a crowd.
TR: Tom owes me two thousand dollars.
CO: So, go collect it from him. Are you afraid?
TR: I don't want to fight him.
CO: How do you know he wants to fight? Maybe he put the money in the bank and it's earning interest while he waits for you to collect it from him.
TR: Yes, he takes good care of the Coffee Club.
CO: Have another beer.
TR: I like you, but I still feel afraid of Tom.
CO: You won't get anywhere this way. You must get out of your comfort zone. You must also be fearless. What will he do to you, sit you on the electric chair? Are you afraid of a little pain?
TR: Give me another beer.
CO: I hope you're not driving.
TR: No. I took the bus.
CO: Don't get too close to the other passengers when you leave.
TR: I hear some noises in your living room.
CO: It's Mastiff and Ginger. They're just wrestling.
TR: How do you handle such huge dogs?
CO: I give them icy stares.
TR: You're kidding.
CO: Try me.
TR: No. I believe you. Did you make that story up about the mint juleps?
CO: Of course not. There are several family relations on my father's side of the family who are just a little off in their mental gears. My cousin Robin, for instance wanted to be buried in his cello case. That might seem preposterous to some, but, to him, it seemed perfectly rational. Sentimental reasons, you know. And my aunt Hilda, the botanist, spent ten years researching ways of getting the giant Saguaro cactus to grow grapes. She didn't seem to care that if she succeeded, the grapes would be somewhat hard to pick. I come from a long line of distinguished army generals dating back to the Revolution.
TR: I feel a little sleepy but keep talking; the tape recorder is still running. Just talk directly into the microphone.
CO: I would have stayed a little longer at CD except I must have an office with a view. I create a nice healthy reality by looking way beyond the horizon. Make a mental note of that. I could have used a nice raise, too. I like the way Natly gets raises every time she blinks.
TR: But, that's not true.
CO: I know, it's just a figure of speech, you should know that. I will miss the Major and Mr. Kennedy and Higgins and especially the guy that's always on maneuvers. He's a true military man, you know.
TR: May I lie down on your lawn?
CO: I liked the way we used to put the agenda together at the last minute. We always pulled it off, you know. I think they call it teamwork. We did it with military precision. I think Debbie would make a wonderful five star general. And Natly would be her assistant or something, maybe her liaison to the White House. The Major would take care of political affairs and Bob and Anthony would be adjutants in charge of special legislation which would favor the military. I would be Chief of Staff. I like that. Mr Kennedy would be Poet Laureate.
TR: Did you just water your lawn?
CO: Yes, last night. I forgot to tell you.
TR: I can't get up.
CO: That PX beer is pretty strong stuff. It's brewed especially for military people. I can get one of my dogs to carry you home.
TR: No, please.
CO: I can't believe you put all that beer away in just under fifteen minutes.
TR: I didn't put anything away. I drank all the beer you gave me.
CO: Precisely, and all of this while you're on duty, so to speak. How odd.
TR: We don't have a code of ethics in photography school.
CO: I think I'd better call the MPs. They'll take you to where you can dry out.
TR: Just lend me a towel.
CO: Your speech is slurred. Don't even try to move.
TR: Get me a mint julep.
CO: I'm sorry you couldn't continue. It was fun. Maybe I learned something from you, but probably not.

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The MPs came and took the Timid Reporter away. Tom had to go get him out from the brig and deducted the cost - $700.00 - from what was owed the TR for services rendered.