Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 24 - April 14, 2008

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Simon Cowell?
SC: Ok, C’mon, what kind of dumb question is that? It’s got to be one of the strangest things I’ve ever heard.
TR: What am I supposed to say?
SC: That’s what I’m supposed to say.
TR: Supposed to say what?
SC: Never mind, what do you want?
TR: I want to ask you a few questions,…we’ll only be five minutes.
SC: That already sounds like five minutes too much.
TR: I’m sorry.
SC: Who are you anyway?
TR: I’m the Timid Reporter with the Coffee Club Newsletter.
SC: Do you sing?
TR: Only after I’ve had two or three beers.
SC: Now I’m curious. Come on in. Have a seat at the bar.
TR: Katie Couric offered me Vodka.
SC: Who’s Katie Couric?
TR: She works at CBS.
SC: Oh. Does she sing or dance?
TR: I don’t know but she has nice legs.
SC: Here, give her my card. Maybe we can use her.
TR: Can you speak a little slower?
SC: Not if we only have five minutes.
TR: Ok.
SC: Proceed.
TR: Why did you name your company Psycho?
SC: I didn’t. It’s named SyCo.
TR: Yes. Why that name? Psycho sends the wrong message, no?
SC: That’s the whole point.
TR: Oh.
SC: It grabs your attention sort of by kicking you in the face.
TR: I heard you’re mean and rude to some of the contestants on Idol.
SC: It’s not Idol, it’s American Idol and I have by no means been rude. I only tell it the way I see it. If someone comes out and warbles like a hen that’s two meters away from a fox, I simply say it. Entertainers have to have a tough skin. As John Kennedy said, if you can’t stand the heat, leave the kitchen.
TR: I think it was Harry Truman.
SC: Who’s Harry Truman? Is he a dancer, too?
TR: No, but his daughter played piano and used to be a singer.
SC: Well, we don’t have room for “used-to-be” anything unfortunately – what a shame.
TR: That’s ok, I think she died recently.
SC: Oh well. That’s pretty moot then, isn’t it?
TR: Do you think you could help my career?
SC: What do you do?
TR: I’m a professional photographer.
SC: I very seriously doubt it, especially not the way you’re dressed. I wouldn’t know what to say about your photographs either. I know about singing and dancing and showmanship and personality. I know talent and potential when I see it, but I know absolutely nothing about photography.
TR: But you know what you like.
SC: Yes, of that I’m certain.
TR: So maybe you could look at my portfolio?
SC: I don’t work for free.
TR: What would you charge me?
SC: To look at your stuff? Maybe $100,000…. If you want my opinion or an endorsement in writing, it will be much more.
TR: Never mind. Do the contestants ever try to pay you to say nice things about them?
SC: Is Paula good looking? They can try all they want but my comments are not for sale. The network pays me and that’s it.
TR: There’s a rumor out that all your comments are actually scripted.
SC: That’s a rude and false rumor - totally untrue.
TR: Does that mean you’re not mean and vicious on purpose?
SC: Everything I say is spontaneous.
TR: So you’re naturally mean, then?
SC: Look, I don’t know what you want me to say. Whatever it is, I’m not going to take the bait, ok? I’m just doing my job and that’s to be an honest critic. If people get offended, so be it. I can’t please everybody.
TR: Is it true the network had to hire four bodyguards for you?
SC: Again, totally untrue. The actual number is six and they all look like jungle creatures.
TR: You mean gorillas?
SC: Exactly.
TR: They might not like what you just said.
SC: You have that all wrong. They get paid to like whatever I say and whatever I do.
TR: Do you think they feel privileged to be so close to you?
SC: Anybody would.
TR: Could you say something mean about your co-judges just for my readers?
SC: How many readers do you have?
TR: Eight.
SC: It’s not worth it.
TR: Thank you Mr. Cowell.
SC: Find another line of work, won’t you?