Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 20 - April 1, 2008

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good morning. Are you Chelsea Clinton?
CC: Yes, and you are….?
TR: I’m the Timid Reporter with the Coffee Club Newsletter.
CC: The coffee what?
TR: The Coffee Club Newsletter. It’s a newsletter for office workers who drink coffee.
CC: Well, of course. That makes sense, and what do you want with me? You know I don’t talk to the press.
TR: I’m not the press. I am actually a photographer.
CC: So, where’s your camera?
TR: I didn’t bring it with me because I don’t usually take pictures with it.
CC: Really? Then what do you do with it?
TR: That’s not what I meant.
CC: Well, say what you mean. What’s stopping you?
TR: What I wanted to say was that I don’t get to use it much because my subjects usually don’t want their picture taken.
CC: What subjects?
TR: The people I talk to.
CC: For what? What people?
TR: You’re making me nervous. I don’t usually have this much trouble.
CC: You and your stories about a newsletter and some camera. You brought this on yourself. Who are you, really?
TR: I already told you.
CC: Look, don’t act dumb with me. Do you know who I am?
TR: Yes.
CC: Be honest with me then. Are you with the press? Yes or no?
TR: I’m not with the New York Times.
CC: That’s good enough for me.
TR: Did your mother tell you not to talk to the press?
CC: She did not and neither did my dad. I’m a grown woman with enough presence of mind to make my own independent decisions.
TR: May I come in, then?
CC: My security people will have to frisk you first.
TR: I’m completely harmless. I only have a can of beer in my left pocket.
CC: Didn’t anyone ever tell you beer is for voters who attend rallies?
TR: Don’t you drink?
CC: Vermouth on the rocks. Sometimes Scotch - Gin as a last resort.
TR: I like Gin, too. I just can’t afford too much of it.
CC: Listen to me. If my mother gets elected, you’ll be able to afford it – I promise you.
TR: You can’t buy liquor with food stamps.
CC: That will change.
TR: Are you sure?
CC: We need the votes.
TR: Obviously, you are loyal to your mother.
CC: She’s a wonderful role model.
TR: And your father?
CC: That’s none of your business.
TR: Wouldn’t you rather be doing something else?
CC: No, the experience is good for me. Besides, I’m just touring college campuses. They say Obama has all the students in his pocket but that’s absolutely not true. Come to one of my rallies and you’ll see.
TR: What about your father’s credibility?
CC: That’s none of your business.
TR: And your mother’s?
CC: My mother is a wonderful role model.
TR: Will she make a good Commander in Chief?
CC: I’m convinced she will. Just wait and see.
TR: Did she ever share her views on Iraq with you?
CC: That’s none of your business.
TR: What’s your favorite brand of Vermouth?
CC: I have several; I have tried so many different brands, you know. I shouldn’t tell you my favorite because people might get the idea that I’m pushing a certain brand. The other brands will then get upset because I didn’t endorse them and the press will make fun of the whole situation. My mother will scold me for sure.
TR: Are you afraid of her?
CC: I respect her. She is a wonderful role model.
TR: She knows politics.
CC: That’s her greatest strength, but don’t say I said so.
TR: I won’t.
CC: Ever since I was a little girl, she would take me aside and tell me stories about the campaigns in Arkansas. Those were my bedtime stories. When she read me real fairytales, she would place all the characters in Arkansas or Washington.
TR: Washington D.C.?
CC: What other Washington is there?
TR: Was life in the White House fun for you?
CC: Except when we almost got kicked out.
TR: Was that embarrassing for you?
CC: You know, even though you’re much older than I, I think you’re a cool person. I don’t sense a hidden agenda. I don’t mind telling you. It was scary. I was terrified, actually. I felt almost homeless at the time. I don’t even want to remember.
TR: Now I understand.
CC: What?
TR: Why Senator Clinton wants to save all those homeowners in foreclosure.
CC: She has a heart of gold.